About Mediation

Mediation is a process for resolving family law matters outside the traditional, adversary legal system. Most family law disputes are settled through some form of negotiation without a formal trial. In mediation, the parties negotiate with one another assisted by the mediator to produce a written agreement that they can accept as fair. The process is voluntary and there can be no final settlement without the participation and approval of both people.

Why I Do This

I had been working with a couple in mediation for a very long time. The discussion had moved almost imperceptibly from a focus on support to how each person's failings had negatively impacted the life of the other. I was fascinated how each could impale the other with such skill and exhausted by the shared pain that seemed to suck the oxygen from the room. I felt trapped with them in a seamless system that offered no easy way out.

As the hurtful exchange continued, I imagined for a moment how it might have been for this couple on the day that they were married. Since weddings can be such a huge undertaking, I assumed that these people had cared deeply for one another and wanted to celebrate their marriage with friends and family. How did they move from there to this place of anger and disappointment? I had no answer, but I sensed a deep sadness below the surface rage. I wanted to do something to move the exchange away from the reef of pain upon which it had become stuck.

The man then offered some judgment about his wife that seemed time-tested to evoke a predictable reaction. I saw her cringe as if struck and then move automatically toward the programmed response. She appeared like a trout rising toward a fly on the surface of a stream. But, in an instant, she hesitated and shook her head. Something shifted in the room and I could sense the change like a fresh breeze.

She looked at him with a loving sadness that seemed to say: "I cannot do this any more. I cannot be this person any longer. Something needs to change." As she stepped back from the confrontation, the tension in her shoulders eased just a bit. He looked confused but I could sense him become just a bit less defended. It was as though they were waking from a bad dream and both looked a little dazed.

There were difficult negotiations after that to reach an agreement, but the powerful need to hurt one another had dissipated. The feelings of rage subsided into grief and loss. They painfully let go of each other and the relationship that had been their marriage. They gradually became respectful individuals working to define a new relationship. I received the gift of witnessing two people make a wrenching change in order to make their lives better.